NAKED! EXPOSING MYSELF PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY (AND SOULFULLY)
I have no problem being naked. In front of people I know VERY well I mean, not just anybody. But my friends, my sister, someone I’m dating - no problem. I prefer sleeping naked, which I didn’t do ever before I turned 50. I just wasn’t raised that way. Always part of the bedtime preparation ritual: “pajamas on, ready for bed!”. I remember the December when I turned 8 years old I asked for this flowing, floor length, layers-of-pink-polyester-chiffon negligee for Christmas. And I vividly remember how excited I was to actually get it. And promptly tripped on it at the top of the stairs as I was about to come down and tumbled all the way down the stairs and my parents thought I broke my arm on Christmas because of this fancy negligee nightgown and matching robe I simply had to have.
Anyway, back to naked.
I sleep naked now, all the time. I comfortably walk around naked at home if I’m home alone. But this is new for me. Both of my ex-husbands would be very surprised to hear this.
I’ve never really had to battle weight issues, by the grace of God and good genes, but I haven’t always liked the way I look. I used to really dislike my arms, and until I was in my late 20’s I never wore clothes that showed my upper arms. People would often pinch my arms and comment how “skinny” I was. When I had my son and was carrying a baby all the time I finally saw the first glimpse of a bicep muscle, for the first time in my life. I gradually warmed up to sleeveless tops but even still, I lived in western Canada with 9+ months of winter weather and I worked in a professional office where bare skin was considered inappropriate so really didn’t have any reason to add a tank top to my wardrobe.
My bellybutton is not a cute SI-model “innie” so it’s always bugged me too.
Somewhere around my 40th birthday my ex-husband took a candid backside photo of me and I was appalled at what I saw: “Is THAT how my ass looks?? It’s falling! Gravity is melting my ass down toward my heels!”. This gave way to a new insecurity and my tactical move of keeping my butt to the wall anytime I was walking across the room naked in front of my then-husband.
Insecurity #2: have fake boobs, which I got with husband #2. My natural size is 32A and it used to really bother me, wanting them fuller. After divorce #1 and when I first starting dating again, I even kept my t-shirt on during sex because I was so self-conscious of my small breasts. For real.
So, small boobs, sagging bottom and an imperfect navel. Recipe for disaster. Cover everything and keep it covered! I was 35, ate anything I wanted without gaining weight, and never weighed more than 110 lbs but disliked being seen naked, even by myself.
I have finally figured out that what makes a woman (or man, for that matter) truly sexy is NOT the absence of cellulite dimples or being not-too-tall or not-too-short or perfectly proportioned. It’s confidence and being comfortable in your own skin, regardless of what that skin looks like in the mirror. It's being naked emotionally - feeling happy with yourself from the inside first. It's being okay with being emotionally exposed, sharing the vulnerable parts of yourself and not pretending to be perfect or have it all together. NOBODY is perfect and NOBODY has it all together. When you realize that and can live in that space without wanting to hide behind some other false image, you can also be comfortable being physically naked and not need to hide behind clothes even in private. This is me, all of me. Take it or leave it, like it or don't, it's just me, raw and real. THIS IS BLISS.
This space is all about me sharing my real self with all of you. You're going to get to know me well, even the bruises and bumps or odd weird hair that popped up somewhere it has no business being. This is me, naked, physically, emotionally and soulfully. I'm going to take you on my journey into this part of my life where I'm connecting to my bliss, and hope I inspire you to do the same. Together, we'll add more joy.